The Cast: Moose

When Robie was born, his head looked like an aspirin. My sister Rene had complications right up to the bitter end in fact. He was to be born premature and refused to come out; it was because of this, that the doctor had to pull out the Shop-Vac and suck that little rascal out. It was due to the vacuum that caused the elongation of his head and being inexperienced, I remember looking at my mom and whispering "Uhhhhm, is it gonna stay like that??? Ya know??". Hahahaha she assured me that it would not and after a few short weeks I fell in love with a beautiful, perfect skulled first nephew.

Of course I am biased, because he is mine, but he was soooo adorable and we all fought over him when he was an infant. Tiffany used to smother the boy when he got a little bit older asking him always "Who is the cutest nephew, ever in life?!" and he would only stay long enough to smile and answer "me", before scurrying off. I, myself took a slightly different approach.....I had that "get outta here kid, ya bother me" type relationship. It was this starvation for his uncle's attention that made my sweet Goose want to cling to my side and I loooooooooooved it. Tiff used to always say " I don't know why he always wants to be around you, you are so mean to him." All strategy and it paid off, just like I knew it would.

Robie grew up quick from the 2 year old TV Toddler that loved the Sit and Sleep commercial, because his favorite was exclaiming "or your mattress is fweeeee!" into a cute OCD kid obessed with skateboards and washing his hands. His heart so big, with his best friend always being Cheyenne, even being 6 years his elder. I knew he was special, when he was 7 and cancelled a trip to Disneyland when he realized that Cheyenne had practice and she wouldn't be able to make it; I thought, what a little weirdo as I put my Mickey ears away for the day, but it truly made my heart smile at the amount of love he had in his heart for his sissy.

Oh where did the time go Moose, already playing high school football, your voice has changed and even have a little stache hahaha. It seems like only yesterday, you were in 7th grade and whenever I asked "hey, do you have hair under your arms yet?" you would smile and say "no, I wish!". You have made me proud over and over again from being a star athlete to your many academic achievements. Despite all of the changes and growing that you have done, there are still some things that have remained constant, your best friend is still your big sister, you are just as entertaining today as you were when you were that 3 year old begging for my attention and you still have such a beautiful heart of gold. Remember, you are never too old to give your favorite uncle hugs n kisses and if you think that you are, I will hang you from your wedgie on a flagpole in front of your school. Love you always and I'm so glad your little Tylenol head went back to normal.

Release....

I wish I was standing on top of a tall gogo box as we speak breaking it down for all to see and that my performance at work was based on my vast knowledge of the Spice Girls and the history of the American Musical.

I want to live in a world where there was never a doubt by a friend or family member that I don't love them to the point of exhaustion and that there is no length I wouldn't go to prove it. A life where eating Sour Patch Kids and drinking Pepsi didn't break down the enamel on your teeth or make you look fat in your jeans.

I long to have the ability to enjoy your company and when things get to be too much then you won't be offended when I crank up the music and start dancing on table and the harder I danced the quicker you forgot what upset you in the first place, until you joined in the dance.

I embrace sorrow.

No,I wouldn't get rid of sadness, I like being sad, it makes it so much better when things get good again. I wish no one was alone and that it was socially acceptable to hug strangers, even if they were poor or dirty.

I want more than anything for you to believe me when I look you in the eye and say that you are amazing and the second you start to feel insecure, that you put down your Pepsi and Sour Patch kids and join me on my box for a spin. Don't over think it, just breathe in and let go......

Hold my hand forever?

So I have a question.......

Which is better......someone who sweet and kind, yet from time to time has crazy thoughts flash through their mind or someone who is not as nice, but says what they want when they want?

I was scratching my head the other day, after reading what was an amazing lists of tremendous birthday wishes, all of which made me feel absolutely warm n fuzzy and I noticed there were some reocurring themes. Adjectives used like nicest, kindest, sweetest, funniest and as good as it made me feel, I couldn't help but ponder....oh boy, if they only knew what runs through me bloody head sometimes LOL. I try to live my life like this every day, I strive to be the change that I would like to see in the world, but I can't lie, sometimes I want to run people's faces over or give em' a swift kick in the teeth when they've got it coming to them. Sometimes people irk me to no end, but they might never know, because I just think if it's not positive and not moving us forward then why bother???

Then that also got me thinking, what about the folks that do say what's on their mind. Is it really bad that someone might shoo someone else away or at least find a way to let them know they might not enjoy their presence? Is it really worth gasping over when I read someone's facebook post and think, dude that is sooooo mean and I would never publish something like that; even though I have thought about the very same thought before?

Then I got to thinking even further....Oh myyyyy, maybe I am this 2 faced goody goody liar pants and am not the sweetest or kindest person ever hahaha. Oh brother!!!

The Cast continued: All I know is that I love you already

I always said that after my dear sweet Cheyenne and Robie that I don't know that there was room in my heart to love another; they fill my heart to the point I feel like it's going to explode and I just didn't think it was possible, but ever since I heard the news you have proven me wrong.

I am so excited to know who you are and what you will become......will you be naturally beautiful like your mother or will you have a keen impeccable sense of fashion and taste like me? Will you sing like my punkin pie or will you be an athlete like my goose???

Maybe you will be something different and do something that the Carrillo clan has yet to see; I just hope that you get enough of the cool me before I transition to a much older non cool adult =).

At the end of the day though whomever you are, wherever you go, whatever you become, all I know is that I love you already and I saved a spot in my heart for you.

Uncle J.R.

The Cast Part 3...........My Dear Sweet Mom

Under normal circumstances, when one hears the phrase "God's gift" it has an immediate, negative connotation, but there is no other explanation for such an amazing being in the Lord's own likeness than my mother. It is now March 22nd and with your birthday being tomorrow there is not a birthday card that could even come close to expressing my love or gratitude for the joy you have shared with me all my life. For this reason I shall take a stab at an open birthday card:

For someone who has never had to work, you are the hardest working female I have ever met in my life. If I were a boss and were evaluating your performance you would far exceed expectations, because while you did the normal mommy things like get us ready for school every day, you always went above and beyond. Like when you used to warm my shirts over the stove on cold morning so my clothes were nice toasty (We live in Southern California for Pete's sake, how spoiled was I?) You didn't teach us about family, charity and the importance of unconditional love to prepare us for the world; we learned, because it is how you live every day of your life and inspired us to fall in line. You are the most selfless person I have ever encountered by a mile and God bless your humble heart and soul Mom.

It fills my heart with overwhelming happiness to know you belong to this family, and at the same time I want nothing more than to share you with everyone else so they can get even a glimpse at what I have come to know. You were a mother to my sisters and I and then when we got older, you became a mom and a mentor to our friends. Then you gracefully slipped into grand motherhood and bestowed your love on a new generation. Just when you think there is no where left to go, I realize that life has come full circle and watching you take care of my grandparents is truly admirable. I watch you now warm my grandpas pjs before he goes to bed at night and I am constantly amazed, it melts my heart and I am honored to bare witness to that kind of love.

At the end of the day, I think that what is most impressive is that it all comes from your enormously pure heart. You don't anything, because you have to, you do things because it is the right thing to do and I know you were put on this earth to set that example. Don't think for a second that I don't know that when you blew out your candle tonight that whatever wish was on your heart, that you probably made a wish for someone else.

Mom, thank you, thank you, thank you for being such a stellar example of a true humanitarian; there is not a gift or words that can express my gratitude for all of the gems you have provided for me and my charmed life. All I can say (as I wrap up on my tear filled keyboard) is that I love you with all of my heart, I am humbled to be a part of your life and if I can accomplish only the tiniest portion of what you have in my life then I will have been a success.

Love always,

Your number 1 son,

J.R.

Oh Wait.....Happy Birthday =)

The Cast Part 2..............July and Vera

A friend saw my grandparents walking together and said "Awww that is so cute, I don't think I have ever seen your grandparents holding hands before" to which I immediately replied "Awwww, they're not, she's just holding his belt loop so she doesn't fall down!" Enter.....July and Vera. For as long as I have been around, my grandparents have always slept in separate bedrooms, been at each others throats, but been the quintessential loving old couple whenever it counted.

July- Always had a pocket full of quarters and a never ending supply of one liners to bring a smile to any one's face. When I was little, we would spend the night, I would always run straight upstairs and reach in his chest of drawers to play his harmonica; if I think hard enough I can still taste the metal when I would press it to my lips. Always an early riser, he would wake us up at 5 am and walk us across the street to the bakery; I used think he was magic the way he would tear bread and the pigeons would come flocking down to feed at our feet. Growing up, he would never miss a football game, a soccer tournament, choir performance you name it; just being there was never enough either, you could catch him at anytime bragging to a stranger close by that it was his granddaughter or grandson on the field. He is a decorated WWII veteran, but you would never know, because as long as I have known my grandpa, it has never been about him, but everything about his family. I am so happy that not only myself, but that Chey and Robie have been able to share him for as long as we have and when he moves from this life to the next there will be a whole in all of our hearts that no one could ever fill.

Vera- "Oh shut up Julio, you're such a Harvey!" are words that will warm my heart for life; this is how I will always remember my grandma. I know who my mom takes after, because growing up she was always ready with every hair in place when we'd come over; if she was not ready then she was getting ready, penciling her eyebrows in, until she got them tattooed of course! Not your typical gram, she didn't cook much, but can make breakfast potatoes like no other and always had cheese whiz in her pantry which you would never find in Pearl's pantry. I feel like I get my sass and snootiness from her, but always good, because as prim and proper as she was, she would surprise you sometimes. I can remember being in high school and her talking about one of my cousins and she said "Well, I think he's pussy whipped" and I almost passed out from laughing and she said "well, isn't that what they call it???" I can always count on her to catch up on who got the boot from American Idol or who's hookin up with who on Grey's Anatomy. She is one of the strongest females that I have had the pleasure of being influenced by and I love her immensely.

July and Vera- Oh sure, if you pay em' a visit on any given day and you are there long enough you might hear....
Gramp:"In other words mijo, your grandma is a mean person and I can't wait to get home and beat the shit out of her"
Gram: "Oh yesssss, I'm so sure, you're grandpa is such a dreamer!"
but let one of them be sick and they are lost without each other. If we were out to eat and the strolling mariachis play "La Mano de Dios" without fail, my grandpa's eyes would water and when it was over he would lean over and gives my grandma a kiss on the cheek. They may bicker, but at the end of day it is quite apparent that after 68 years of marriage that they are forever in love. These are my grandparents and they are the sweetest thing...........much love, J.R.

For your listening pleasure...........Quirk #127

Most people know that despite the fact that I am self proclaimed just OK driver, that I LOVE to drive and when I am a passenger I feel like I am useless and should be doing something. Did you know that 99% of the time, that before I pick you up that I have thought about what music should play, to set the mood for our trip? That's right friends............. tis' no coincedence then when I have to pick you up to go somewhere that you always catch the beginning of the song; most times if you have something exciting to share I will restart the song, never pause it, cause I feel like your story deserves a soundtrack and don't enjoy silence. Did you also know that it absolutely makes my skin crawl when people change my radio stations or pick up my iPod to look for something better to put on LOL Scary right?!?!? Don't be afraid to speak up though, I know it's my own weird anxiety I gotta work through..... I'm just sayin =)

I am so sorry it has taken this long to say it..........

Dearest J.R.,

I get it now and from the bottom of my heart I sincerely apologize it has taken this long, but I love you. I can not explain why when you have been blessed by so many amazing people who love you, why I have neglected and left you to feel so alone. We hear people say all the time that we can't truly love someone else until we love ourselves and for so many years I have felt like we were the exception; like I understand that works for most, but I can be content to get by, fake it till we make it and be ok. Shit, I truly feel like the worst friend ever, because I have spent my life making us so accessable to everyone else, but you and I feel awful.
Please know that things are about to change, I do love you, I know it only took 33 years, but better late than never right? You do pretty well J.R., you work hard, you are nice to people, I guess you can be pretty funny sometimes (ok I'm sorry for also openingly saying that I probably wouldn't be able to be friends with myself before). I think it's kind of ironic, that someone with so much can feel so out on a limb flying solo for so long, but know that I take responsibility for that and will not allow that to be the case ever again. I love you J.R., I love you for who you are, all your flaws & imperfections and we should be more open to the idea of people loving us much more than we lead on. I love you, but I'm not in love you LOL I had to say it.....come on!

Love Always,

Your Best Friend For Life....Me =)

Guilt complex.......

I used to toss and turn in my bed when I was 6-9 years contemplating which direction I would face when I would fall asleep. The reason was that I felt if I faced South (I didn't know which direction South was at the time, I have since learned) then I would be facing the direction of my Grandma Carrillo's house and it meant that I somehow loved her more that my Grandma and Grandpa Rincon's house which was North. Of course the opposite was true also that if I faced my wall then I love my mom's parents more. I honestly felt in my heart that they would some how know or sense it.

It's funny to me now, how silly it sounds, but I think that I truly had an anxiety issue from early on and it used to trouble me terribly at the time. In case you were wondering, I no longer have this anxiety; I can fall asleep comfortably almost anywhere and please know that if you are reading this, regardless of which direction I am facing.......you are loved. JR =)

Quirk #121........I don't like Enchiladas, even if my mother made them!

So I have been a little uninspired lately, but my blog is never far from my heart; so in the mean time I figured I might start giving you a little more insight into me and who I am.

I don't like enchiladas. I know they are good right? Who doesn't love cheesy goodness wrapped in a tortilla like that; heaven forbid they have meat in them yum! For those of you who do not know, my mother is an amazing cook and along with Fried chicken and potato salad this is one her most requested dishes to be made on any occasion. I know you are prolly thinkin, but JR, you are Latin? I know. I know you are thinkin, but JR, not only are you Latin, but you are chubby and Latin? I KNOW RIGHT? LOL

Ever since I was little when someone would die, I would come home from school and the blender would be going, there would be tortillas everywhere and my mom's fingers would be stained orange from rolling enchiladas. My mom used to say they were the most economical things to make in bulk to take to a grieving family or to the reception. Once I got hip to the operation, if I came home from school and saw the evidence, my heart would sink and I would ask "who died?" =(. Ever since then, good or not I have always associated the dish with death, crazy huh? I don't like enchiladas!!!

It happened....

I thought I had put this behind me and I had dealt and could move forward, but the truth of the matter is I don't know if that is ever going to be possible. I deal with it a little at some point every single day. You took away my choices and I will never know if this is truly what was to become of me.

Maybe I'm gay, because I was exposed so early (doubt it). Maybe I'm fat, cause I haven't dealt with it as well as I thought I could (the one therapy appointment I did go to years ago told me this). Maybe the nice me, the one that everyone loves is not me at all; what if it's just me over compensating for me feeling so damn unattractive and unworthy of love for all these years. On the other hand maybe this is who I am and I have made the best of a rotten circumstance, I might never truly know You had me.....damn it you had me and I bought it.

What I do know is that I can't (or haven't been able to up until this point) have a healthy loving relationship, I have tried, but it is exhausting trying to keep someones love when you don't feel worthy of it in return. I broke someones heart because they thought I didn't want to be with them, because I could not make the correlation between love and intimacy (that's pretty fucked up). I am ultra sensitive, can cry at the drop of a hat and get ugly angry at times, and I hate it.

You know for years I felt bad for you and made excuses and thought maybe it happened to you. Maybe someone took your choices, if that is the case I'm sorry and for what has transpired in the past I have forgiven you for what you have done. The rest is up to me.

You know maybe this was God's plan behind my blog all along; maybe it was to get this off my chest. Please know that this was a personal one done for just me, please don't feel bad for me if you are reading this or feel like this is my outcry for help, because it's not my intention in posting it. Just my personal experiment to see if I feel any better after. I have been blessed a thousand times over in this life and everywhere I turn I am constantly reminded of the abundance of love that surrounds me. I appreciate you sticking with me, I understand this is not my usual posting, hence the "Random acts" part, but I said I was going to stay true to me good, bad or ugly and I am. This is a part of me, I own it......

The Four J's.....A History lesson

So most of you all don't know that ever since I was a baby I have been a member of a very exclusive society. Free Mason you say? Try again, I'm 1/4 of the Four J's. I suppose it all started when I was born, you know the day the earth stood still, hee hee hee! I guess it really started when my parents decided to call me by the name J.R. as opposed to my real name Gilbert, but J.R., why not call you Junior? I'll tell you.......I dunno, in any case that nickname would stick with me for life.

26 short days later came Jessica, the boss hahahaha. Jessica has always been strong willed and hella' fun to be around. You might see her at her day job pushing paper for "the man" as the Admin assistant for the big boss man orrrrrrrrr you might also catch her tending to her side business which is far more interesting (story for another blog).

Next in line is Joseph "the adorable one". Joseph as always been so kind hearted and super silly. He was lucky enough to live in close proximity to my dear sweet grandma and was totally the apple of her eye. He's now all grown up and married with children and still a truly nice guy.

Last came Joshua "the clown" for now and always. Joshua is the wild child and has always provided plenty of comic relief to this large family of mine. While he has an ultra serious graphic artist job during the day he is also highly motivated and does some killer stuff on the side. If you check out some of his pics, it's quite apparent that nowadays this guy has lots of fun and is truly making the most of his time here on earth.

I can remember us getting annoyed when someone would interrupt our game of "Colored eggs" in grandma's front yard to take a picture of the Four J's. Then as the group of us got older it just seemed silly, like coooooome on do we really have to do this, we are 13 years old already?!?!? It wasn't until Joseph's wedding when my cousin said "hey grab Josh, I wanna take a picture of the Four J's" that I realized that as we all grow older in our busy little lives that it feels super good to be a part of something so special an unique. I no longer think it's silly, I'm no longer bothered when it takes a while to get us all in one spot to take a picture (mostly because I don't play colored eggs anymore). I love this crew deeply, they are my cousins and we will ALWAYS be the Four J's.

Adult warning......

Hahaha I just realized how bad it looks everytime I access my blog and you need to accept the "Adult Content" warning; like if after you click accept that all these chicks with big boobs are gonna come flying at ya! I dunno, I am a good person, but sometimes I like to say the F word, is that bad? LOL Never in anger I s'pose. Actually my real intentions in putting the warning button (which I didn't think was going to be quite so huge) was that when I decided to do all this blogging business that good, bad or ugly I was going to be honest and share all of me.

Who knows, with technology moving as fast as it is these days, you may just be able to pull up my little bwains in a menu and be able to read my thoughts, but if that doesn't happen I would like to be able to look back at some point and remember who I was at this point in my life. That would really blow if I am only around for a short while longer huh? Just sayin.... Oh NOOOOO something ALWAYS happens to someone who says something like that and then when they are doing my story on Dateline NBC Chris Hanson will say......"Ironically JR recently blogged that he might not be around much longer". Then someone will cry and say it was all there, we should have seen the signs hahahahaha I know I'm sick that I allow my mind to wander so and NOOOO, I never want it to end and I want to live a very long time (great another thing that Chris Hanson will mention after my untimely demise, kidding, kidding). Gosh is it Friday yet? Much love....

The Cast......Part1

When she touched ground on this earth it was magical and none of our lives have been the same. She is truly one of the brightest lights I have come to know in this lifetime and I am so lucky to know her. Ever since she was a small child it was very apparent the size of her enormous heart and she continues to make me proud. I admire her ability to drop everything she is doing to sing a song and not be nervous and I wish I could do the same. I adore how despite the fact that she is 16 that she still begs for my attention when she wants to show me a new turn or leap she learned, just like a little kid that wants you to watch them jump off the diving board. She's precious, young and naive, but not in a bad way, in a very sweet idealistic way. I look forward to her lighting up the stage when she performs; she's a natural and I hope that she never lets that go. She melts my heart and I am proud to be her uncle....Cheyenne

Tick tock tick tock.....

I have yet to make my mark on the world yet and I am starting to feel the pressure, because as cliche' as it sounds.....time stops for no one. Ever since I was a kid I have had a serious problem with the concept of time; I can vividly remember bursting out into tears at random, because I didn't want my parents to die. Now, while I still don't want my parents to die and just the thought kills me (no pun intended) there are so many other pressures that make my heart hurt.

I sit here at a very cool job, watching Gwen Stefani at the moment, but that's neither her nor there, but my point is that it's a pretty cool job. Yet, I am still sitting behind a desk thinking, seriously I hope this isn't it. I want to be creative and use what I have been afforded to make a difference, but again when do we have time to make that happen? "I'm frightened Auntie Em, I'm frightened" that I will be that person that says I could have done this and I could have done that, but I never tried. So how do I do it? Tell me, would ya' please? I spend my days working and being grateful for what I have, praying that I don't take advantage of what has been provided and yet I want more, is that bad? Why are the Black Eyed Peas on the TV screens playing the same song again, I think that is the 3rd time this morning?!?!? Again, neither here nor there, I'm just saying.....

In any case I don't burst out in tears at random anymore afraid that my parents are going to die; I have accepted the fact that none of us will be around forever. I am mostly concerned about people always knowing how much they mean to me and that I am deeply inspired, by the little things that they do. I mean people have paid me some monster compliments in my day based on personality and in my head I'm thinking, I'm the lucky one.....I'm total poser and just bit off of everyone else's good qualities and try my best to emulate them so people feel half as good as they make me feel. So, I guess the good news story here is that even if I do nothing else in life and my biggest issue is the above listed, then I am a very lucky man.

So I know that I am the one who has to figure out the job and my future thing, I didn't mean to put the responsibility on you. I do however appreciate your listening ear, but if you get anything from today's rant I hope that you know that from the bottom of mt heart I am grateful for you. Make it a good one.....

I do NOT put my cocaine in there.....

Interesting story......

So after a glorious day at the Magic kingdom (If you haven't been in a while, you really should go; it truly is the happiest place on earth, but that's neither here nor there)I was driving home exhausted. I was at a stop light and I got a text. What? I should feel guilty, because I was checking a text in my car....what if it was an emergency?(said in my best old Jewish lady accent). So out of my peripheral vision I saw a green light and I proceed with caution, to my dismay it was the left hand turn signal that was green and not my go ahead so I stopped. When I checked my rear view mirror to see if it was safe for me to roll back a little and I saw a cop car *Rats*. I wasn't wearing my seat belt either (I know, I know) and I was petrified, so when the light finally turned green I took off slowly; I wanted to make it easy for the cop if he was going to pull me over and he DID. When I pulled into the nearest parking lot, it was dark so I thought I would motion like I was taking off my seat belt just in case he didn't see that part hahahaha, no really I did =)

Officer: Good evening, how are you doing? Can I see your license?

Me: I'm doing great officer, thank you for asking and how about yourself? (I always hope that I can score a few exta points if I am really polite.)

Officer: I'm good thanks, so you rolled into that intersection even though I was right next to you huh?

Me: Uhm yes sir, I jumped the gun when I saw the left hand turn light go green, it was a mistake.

Officer: How much have you had to drink tonight?

Me: None at all, I'm just exhausted, I spent all day at Disneyland sir.
Officer: That might explain your confusion when you saw the red light and decided to go, right? (Points to the metal capsule around my neck) Is that where you keep your cocaine?

Me: WHAT?!?! No way, I keep a prayer scroll close to my heart all the time (Unscrews it and handed it to him) see? I promise, I'm a good guy officer.

Officer: Have a good night and drive safely Mr. Carrillo.

You know when I saw this piece of jewelry I just had to have it; I just fell in love with the designer's story and the thought behind it and not just because it was at Kitson and the Kardashians shop there LOL! I like it, because it's a conversation piece and the conversations always seem to start the same "hey, do you put your weed in there?", I usually say no, it's my grandma's ashes and then when they feel bad I let em' off the hook and tell them what it really is. I love sharing that I always carry a little piece of God close to me; plus it got me out of a ticket, how cool is that? LOL.......jussssssssst keeeeeeeding =)

In a blink...

I saw God last night and it was amazing.

Smile.....

Some stranger smiled at me the other day. I was driving into the Target parking lot and she was driving out; our eyes met, and she took the time to smile. As super cheesy as this sounds, it warmed my heart and made me feel good for a long while that day. Sometimes with our busy little lives, we go through our day with our tasks and only find time to smile when we have checked off our long to-do lists; at the end of the day who is there to share that with you? Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ear, hahahaha make time to smile; you truly never know who's day you are making by doing so.

My crazy girlfriend (not that type, you know like heyyy girrrrrl-friend) used to amaze me at her ability to start a conversation with strangers and I used to think that I could never do that myself, she's nuts! Now, I am not saying go start convo with randoms; I would feel horrible if something happened to ya, but I have learned to not be so shy when I want to pay a stranger a compliment. This could be the easiest way to make someones frown turn upside down. But JR, someone elses happiness is not my responsibility??? So what suckas, pay it forward; you know how awesome you feel when someone points out something good about you, right? Do it!

......don't forget to watch ABC's The Bachelor at 8am PST tonight. Smiles

Not as easy as I thought.....

Ok so blogging sounded like a great idea and I haven't changed my mind in one day, I'm just saying it's not as easy as it sounded. I always have a million things to say until now when I sit in front of the blog site; I mean I watched Mr. Belvedere do it for years and journaling for him seemed like a breeze ha ha. It's a little more intimidating knowing that others reading your every word. I'm sure I'll get the swing of things shortly. I really wanted to start, because I have things I want to accomplish and they always say that you should put it in writing, because the success rate is far better you write and track your goals.

So here I am..... I want to look better in my jeans =) Why is it that you can get out of the shower, stand in front of the mirror naked, turn to the right, turn to the left and think sweet, I don't look that bad, but go to that birthday party and when someone tags you in a photo the next week on facebook it never looks like that person in the mirror hahaha??? I am slowly working on loving both the me in the mirror and the me in the picture, but I commit to taking better care of what I have been given in the mean time.

I want to do something more creative and fulfilling. I have a great job, God knows I facebook about all the perks here, not to mention the cool gang of folks I get to see everyday, but I feel like there is something more out there for me. Whether it be working to start my own business, writing or getting back into performance art. OK OK I would settle for reality TV =)

I just hope that I am doing things right, no, no, not the blog, but life ya know? I can remember being 6 years bawling to my mom how I didn't want my parents to die and I have always struggled with the concept of time. I have never felt like there is enough time and I want to make sure that I am maximizing my time while I've got it right? Thanks for listenin pals...

Come in.....

For those of you who don't know me, I am J.R. and the pleasure is all mine. Please know that if you made it here safely and are taking the time to read this that I truly appreciate you already. About me...I am ultra fascinated by people and why we do what we do and I can watch them interact for hours, but not in a stalker kinda' way. I don't want to miss out on anything life has to offer or take advantage of what has been afforded to me, so keep me honest.

So I am pretty new to all of this blogging business, but I feel like I am destined for bigger and better things and I figure maybe having an open ended coversation with who knows might help me out, right? At one point in my life I used to keep a journal and I would listen to Jewel, Joane Osborne, Tori Amos and write in it, because I was "DEEP" hahaha. Not so much anymore, I'm a big boy now and I have big boy dreams like being on reality TV and starting a small business. Lofty....I know =)

So let's do this....I'm not sure how often this will get updated, what it's contents will be when I do update it, but rest assured it will always be a little random (I think I have adult ADD, only I have never taken the test, because I don't want to confirm officially). Please feel free to comment, add your random thoughts, good, bad or ugly. Thanks for stopping by.......hit the lights when you are done.