It happened....

I thought I had put this behind me and I had dealt and could move forward, but the truth of the matter is I don't know if that is ever going to be possible. I deal with it a little at some point every single day. You took away my choices and I will never know if this is truly what was to become of me.

Maybe I'm gay, because I was exposed so early (doubt it). Maybe I'm fat, cause I haven't dealt with it as well as I thought I could (the one therapy appointment I did go to years ago told me this). Maybe the nice me, the one that everyone loves is not me at all; what if it's just me over compensating for me feeling so damn unattractive and unworthy of love for all these years. On the other hand maybe this is who I am and I have made the best of a rotten circumstance, I might never truly know You had me.....damn it you had me and I bought it.

What I do know is that I can't (or haven't been able to up until this point) have a healthy loving relationship, I have tried, but it is exhausting trying to keep someones love when you don't feel worthy of it in return. I broke someones heart because they thought I didn't want to be with them, because I could not make the correlation between love and intimacy (that's pretty fucked up). I am ultra sensitive, can cry at the drop of a hat and get ugly angry at times, and I hate it.

You know for years I felt bad for you and made excuses and thought maybe it happened to you. Maybe someone took your choices, if that is the case I'm sorry and for what has transpired in the past I have forgiven you for what you have done. The rest is up to me.

You know maybe this was God's plan behind my blog all along; maybe it was to get this off my chest. Please know that this was a personal one done for just me, please don't feel bad for me if you are reading this or feel like this is my outcry for help, because it's not my intention in posting it. Just my personal experiment to see if I feel any better after. I have been blessed a thousand times over in this life and everywhere I turn I am constantly reminded of the abundance of love that surrounds me. I appreciate you sticking with me, I understand this is not my usual posting, hence the "Random acts" part, but I said I was going to stay true to me good, bad or ugly and I am. This is a part of me, I own it......