For your listening pleasure...........Quirk #127

Most people know that despite the fact that I am self proclaimed just OK driver, that I LOVE to drive and when I am a passenger I feel like I am useless and should be doing something. Did you know that 99% of the time, that before I pick you up that I have thought about what music should play, to set the mood for our trip? That's right friends............. tis' no coincedence then when I have to pick you up to go somewhere that you always catch the beginning of the song; most times if you have something exciting to share I will restart the song, never pause it, cause I feel like your story deserves a soundtrack and don't enjoy silence. Did you also know that it absolutely makes my skin crawl when people change my radio stations or pick up my iPod to look for something better to put on LOL Scary right?!?!? Don't be afraid to speak up though, I know it's my own weird anxiety I gotta work through..... I'm just sayin =)

I am so sorry it has taken this long to say it..........

Dearest J.R.,

I get it now and from the bottom of my heart I sincerely apologize it has taken this long, but I love you. I can not explain why when you have been blessed by so many amazing people who love you, why I have neglected and left you to feel so alone. We hear people say all the time that we can't truly love someone else until we love ourselves and for so many years I have felt like we were the exception; like I understand that works for most, but I can be content to get by, fake it till we make it and be ok. Shit, I truly feel like the worst friend ever, because I have spent my life making us so accessable to everyone else, but you and I feel awful.
Please know that things are about to change, I do love you, I know it only took 33 years, but better late than never right? You do pretty well J.R., you work hard, you are nice to people, I guess you can be pretty funny sometimes (ok I'm sorry for also openingly saying that I probably wouldn't be able to be friends with myself before). I think it's kind of ironic, that someone with so much can feel so out on a limb flying solo for so long, but know that I take responsibility for that and will not allow that to be the case ever again. I love you J.R., I love you for who you are, all your flaws & imperfections and we should be more open to the idea of people loving us much more than we lead on. I love you, but I'm not in love you LOL I had to say it.....come on!

Love Always,

Your Best Friend For Life....Me =)

Guilt complex.......

I used to toss and turn in my bed when I was 6-9 years contemplating which direction I would face when I would fall asleep. The reason was that I felt if I faced South (I didn't know which direction South was at the time, I have since learned) then I would be facing the direction of my Grandma Carrillo's house and it meant that I somehow loved her more that my Grandma and Grandpa Rincon's house which was North. Of course the opposite was true also that if I faced my wall then I love my mom's parents more. I honestly felt in my heart that they would some how know or sense it.

It's funny to me now, how silly it sounds, but I think that I truly had an anxiety issue from early on and it used to trouble me terribly at the time. In case you were wondering, I no longer have this anxiety; I can fall asleep comfortably almost anywhere and please know that if you are reading this, regardless of which direction I am facing.......you are loved. JR =)

Quirk #121........I don't like Enchiladas, even if my mother made them!

So I have been a little uninspired lately, but my blog is never far from my heart; so in the mean time I figured I might start giving you a little more insight into me and who I am.

I don't like enchiladas. I know they are good right? Who doesn't love cheesy goodness wrapped in a tortilla like that; heaven forbid they have meat in them yum! For those of you who do not know, my mother is an amazing cook and along with Fried chicken and potato salad this is one her most requested dishes to be made on any occasion. I know you are prolly thinkin, but JR, you are Latin? I know. I know you are thinkin, but JR, not only are you Latin, but you are chubby and Latin? I KNOW RIGHT? LOL

Ever since I was little when someone would die, I would come home from school and the blender would be going, there would be tortillas everywhere and my mom's fingers would be stained orange from rolling enchiladas. My mom used to say they were the most economical things to make in bulk to take to a grieving family or to the reception. Once I got hip to the operation, if I came home from school and saw the evidence, my heart would sink and I would ask "who died?" =(. Ever since then, good or not I have always associated the dish with death, crazy huh? I don't like enchiladas!!!

It happened....

I thought I had put this behind me and I had dealt and could move forward, but the truth of the matter is I don't know if that is ever going to be possible. I deal with it a little at some point every single day. You took away my choices and I will never know if this is truly what was to become of me.

Maybe I'm gay, because I was exposed so early (doubt it). Maybe I'm fat, cause I haven't dealt with it as well as I thought I could (the one therapy appointment I did go to years ago told me this). Maybe the nice me, the one that everyone loves is not me at all; what if it's just me over compensating for me feeling so damn unattractive and unworthy of love for all these years. On the other hand maybe this is who I am and I have made the best of a rotten circumstance, I might never truly know You had me.....damn it you had me and I bought it.

What I do know is that I can't (or haven't been able to up until this point) have a healthy loving relationship, I have tried, but it is exhausting trying to keep someones love when you don't feel worthy of it in return. I broke someones heart because they thought I didn't want to be with them, because I could not make the correlation between love and intimacy (that's pretty fucked up). I am ultra sensitive, can cry at the drop of a hat and get ugly angry at times, and I hate it.

You know for years I felt bad for you and made excuses and thought maybe it happened to you. Maybe someone took your choices, if that is the case I'm sorry and for what has transpired in the past I have forgiven you for what you have done. The rest is up to me.

You know maybe this was God's plan behind my blog all along; maybe it was to get this off my chest. Please know that this was a personal one done for just me, please don't feel bad for me if you are reading this or feel like this is my outcry for help, because it's not my intention in posting it. Just my personal experiment to see if I feel any better after. I have been blessed a thousand times over in this life and everywhere I turn I am constantly reminded of the abundance of love that surrounds me. I appreciate you sticking with me, I understand this is not my usual posting, hence the "Random acts" part, but I said I was going to stay true to me good, bad or ugly and I am. This is a part of me, I own it......

The Four J's.....A History lesson

So most of you all don't know that ever since I was a baby I have been a member of a very exclusive society. Free Mason you say? Try again, I'm 1/4 of the Four J's. I suppose it all started when I was born, you know the day the earth stood still, hee hee hee! I guess it really started when my parents decided to call me by the name J.R. as opposed to my real name Gilbert, but J.R., why not call you Junior? I'll tell you.......I dunno, in any case that nickname would stick with me for life.

26 short days later came Jessica, the boss hahahaha. Jessica has always been strong willed and hella' fun to be around. You might see her at her day job pushing paper for "the man" as the Admin assistant for the big boss man orrrrrrrrr you might also catch her tending to her side business which is far more interesting (story for another blog).

Next in line is Joseph "the adorable one". Joseph as always been so kind hearted and super silly. He was lucky enough to live in close proximity to my dear sweet grandma and was totally the apple of her eye. He's now all grown up and married with children and still a truly nice guy.

Last came Joshua "the clown" for now and always. Joshua is the wild child and has always provided plenty of comic relief to this large family of mine. While he has an ultra serious graphic artist job during the day he is also highly motivated and does some killer stuff on the side. If you check out some of his pics, it's quite apparent that nowadays this guy has lots of fun and is truly making the most of his time here on earth.

I can remember us getting annoyed when someone would interrupt our game of "Colored eggs" in grandma's front yard to take a picture of the Four J's. Then as the group of us got older it just seemed silly, like coooooome on do we really have to do this, we are 13 years old already?!?!? It wasn't until Joseph's wedding when my cousin said "hey grab Josh, I wanna take a picture of the Four J's" that I realized that as we all grow older in our busy little lives that it feels super good to be a part of something so special an unique. I no longer think it's silly, I'm no longer bothered when it takes a while to get us all in one spot to take a picture (mostly because I don't play colored eggs anymore). I love this crew deeply, they are my cousins and we will ALWAYS be the Four J's.

Adult warning......

Hahaha I just realized how bad it looks everytime I access my blog and you need to accept the "Adult Content" warning; like if after you click accept that all these chicks with big boobs are gonna come flying at ya! I dunno, I am a good person, but sometimes I like to say the F word, is that bad? LOL Never in anger I s'pose. Actually my real intentions in putting the warning button (which I didn't think was going to be quite so huge) was that when I decided to do all this blogging business that good, bad or ugly I was going to be honest and share all of me.

Who knows, with technology moving as fast as it is these days, you may just be able to pull up my little bwains in a menu and be able to read my thoughts, but if that doesn't happen I would like to be able to look back at some point and remember who I was at this point in my life. That would really blow if I am only around for a short while longer huh? Just sayin.... Oh NOOOOO something ALWAYS happens to someone who says something like that and then when they are doing my story on Dateline NBC Chris Hanson will say......"Ironically JR recently blogged that he might not be around much longer". Then someone will cry and say it was all there, we should have seen the signs hahahahaha I know I'm sick that I allow my mind to wander so and NOOOO, I never want it to end and I want to live a very long time (great another thing that Chris Hanson will mention after my untimely demise, kidding, kidding). Gosh is it Friday yet? Much love....

The Cast......Part1

When she touched ground on this earth it was magical and none of our lives have been the same. She is truly one of the brightest lights I have come to know in this lifetime and I am so lucky to know her. Ever since she was a small child it was very apparent the size of her enormous heart and she continues to make me proud. I admire her ability to drop everything she is doing to sing a song and not be nervous and I wish I could do the same. I adore how despite the fact that she is 16 that she still begs for my attention when she wants to show me a new turn or leap she learned, just like a little kid that wants you to watch them jump off the diving board. She's precious, young and naive, but not in a bad way, in a very sweet idealistic way. I look forward to her lighting up the stage when she performs; she's a natural and I hope that she never lets that go. She melts my heart and I am proud to be her uncle....Cheyenne

Tick tock tick tock.....

I have yet to make my mark on the world yet and I am starting to feel the pressure, because as cliche' as it sounds.....time stops for no one. Ever since I was a kid I have had a serious problem with the concept of time; I can vividly remember bursting out into tears at random, because I didn't want my parents to die. Now, while I still don't want my parents to die and just the thought kills me (no pun intended) there are so many other pressures that make my heart hurt.

I sit here at a very cool job, watching Gwen Stefani at the moment, but that's neither her nor there, but my point is that it's a pretty cool job. Yet, I am still sitting behind a desk thinking, seriously I hope this isn't it. I want to be creative and use what I have been afforded to make a difference, but again when do we have time to make that happen? "I'm frightened Auntie Em, I'm frightened" that I will be that person that says I could have done this and I could have done that, but I never tried. So how do I do it? Tell me, would ya' please? I spend my days working and being grateful for what I have, praying that I don't take advantage of what has been provided and yet I want more, is that bad? Why are the Black Eyed Peas on the TV screens playing the same song again, I think that is the 3rd time this morning?!?!? Again, neither here nor there, I'm just saying.....

In any case I don't burst out in tears at random anymore afraid that my parents are going to die; I have accepted the fact that none of us will be around forever. I am mostly concerned about people always knowing how much they mean to me and that I am deeply inspired, by the little things that they do. I mean people have paid me some monster compliments in my day based on personality and in my head I'm thinking, I'm the lucky one.....I'm total poser and just bit off of everyone else's good qualities and try my best to emulate them so people feel half as good as they make me feel. So, I guess the good news story here is that even if I do nothing else in life and my biggest issue is the above listed, then I am a very lucky man.

So I know that I am the one who has to figure out the job and my future thing, I didn't mean to put the responsibility on you. I do however appreciate your listening ear, but if you get anything from today's rant I hope that you know that from the bottom of mt heart I am grateful for you. Make it a good one.....

I do NOT put my cocaine in there.....

Interesting story......

So after a glorious day at the Magic kingdom (If you haven't been in a while, you really should go; it truly is the happiest place on earth, but that's neither here nor there)I was driving home exhausted. I was at a stop light and I got a text. What? I should feel guilty, because I was checking a text in my car....what if it was an emergency?(said in my best old Jewish lady accent). So out of my peripheral vision I saw a green light and I proceed with caution, to my dismay it was the left hand turn signal that was green and not my go ahead so I stopped. When I checked my rear view mirror to see if it was safe for me to roll back a little and I saw a cop car *Rats*. I wasn't wearing my seat belt either (I know, I know) and I was petrified, so when the light finally turned green I took off slowly; I wanted to make it easy for the cop if he was going to pull me over and he DID. When I pulled into the nearest parking lot, it was dark so I thought I would motion like I was taking off my seat belt just in case he didn't see that part hahahaha, no really I did =)

Officer: Good evening, how are you doing? Can I see your license?

Me: I'm doing great officer, thank you for asking and how about yourself? (I always hope that I can score a few exta points if I am really polite.)

Officer: I'm good thanks, so you rolled into that intersection even though I was right next to you huh?

Me: Uhm yes sir, I jumped the gun when I saw the left hand turn light go green, it was a mistake.

Officer: How much have you had to drink tonight?

Me: None at all, I'm just exhausted, I spent all day at Disneyland sir.
Officer: That might explain your confusion when you saw the red light and decided to go, right? (Points to the metal capsule around my neck) Is that where you keep your cocaine?

Me: WHAT?!?! No way, I keep a prayer scroll close to my heart all the time (Unscrews it and handed it to him) see? I promise, I'm a good guy officer.

Officer: Have a good night and drive safely Mr. Carrillo.

You know when I saw this piece of jewelry I just had to have it; I just fell in love with the designer's story and the thought behind it and not just because it was at Kitson and the Kardashians shop there LOL! I like it, because it's a conversation piece and the conversations always seem to start the same "hey, do you put your weed in there?", I usually say no, it's my grandma's ashes and then when they feel bad I let em' off the hook and tell them what it really is. I love sharing that I always carry a little piece of God close to me; plus it got me out of a ticket, how cool is that? LOL.......jussssssssst keeeeeeeding =)

In a blink...

I saw God last night and it was amazing.

Smile.....

Some stranger smiled at me the other day. I was driving into the Target parking lot and she was driving out; our eyes met, and she took the time to smile. As super cheesy as this sounds, it warmed my heart and made me feel good for a long while that day. Sometimes with our busy little lives, we go through our day with our tasks and only find time to smile when we have checked off our long to-do lists; at the end of the day who is there to share that with you? Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ear, hahahaha make time to smile; you truly never know who's day you are making by doing so.

My crazy girlfriend (not that type, you know like heyyy girrrrrl-friend) used to amaze me at her ability to start a conversation with strangers and I used to think that I could never do that myself, she's nuts! Now, I am not saying go start convo with randoms; I would feel horrible if something happened to ya, but I have learned to not be so shy when I want to pay a stranger a compliment. This could be the easiest way to make someones frown turn upside down. But JR, someone elses happiness is not my responsibility??? So what suckas, pay it forward; you know how awesome you feel when someone points out something good about you, right? Do it!

......don't forget to watch ABC's The Bachelor at 8am PST tonight. Smiles

Not as easy as I thought.....

Ok so blogging sounded like a great idea and I haven't changed my mind in one day, I'm just saying it's not as easy as it sounded. I always have a million things to say until now when I sit in front of the blog site; I mean I watched Mr. Belvedere do it for years and journaling for him seemed like a breeze ha ha. It's a little more intimidating knowing that others reading your every word. I'm sure I'll get the swing of things shortly. I really wanted to start, because I have things I want to accomplish and they always say that you should put it in writing, because the success rate is far better you write and track your goals.

So here I am..... I want to look better in my jeans =) Why is it that you can get out of the shower, stand in front of the mirror naked, turn to the right, turn to the left and think sweet, I don't look that bad, but go to that birthday party and when someone tags you in a photo the next week on facebook it never looks like that person in the mirror hahaha??? I am slowly working on loving both the me in the mirror and the me in the picture, but I commit to taking better care of what I have been given in the mean time.

I want to do something more creative and fulfilling. I have a great job, God knows I facebook about all the perks here, not to mention the cool gang of folks I get to see everyday, but I feel like there is something more out there for me. Whether it be working to start my own business, writing or getting back into performance art. OK OK I would settle for reality TV =)

I just hope that I am doing things right, no, no, not the blog, but life ya know? I can remember being 6 years bawling to my mom how I didn't want my parents to die and I have always struggled with the concept of time. I have never felt like there is enough time and I want to make sure that I am maximizing my time while I've got it right? Thanks for listenin pals...

Come in.....

For those of you who don't know me, I am J.R. and the pleasure is all mine. Please know that if you made it here safely and are taking the time to read this that I truly appreciate you already. About me...I am ultra fascinated by people and why we do what we do and I can watch them interact for hours, but not in a stalker kinda' way. I don't want to miss out on anything life has to offer or take advantage of what has been afforded to me, so keep me honest.

So I am pretty new to all of this blogging business, but I feel like I am destined for bigger and better things and I figure maybe having an open ended coversation with who knows might help me out, right? At one point in my life I used to keep a journal and I would listen to Jewel, Joane Osborne, Tori Amos and write in it, because I was "DEEP" hahaha. Not so much anymore, I'm a big boy now and I have big boy dreams like being on reality TV and starting a small business. Lofty....I know =)

So let's do this....I'm not sure how often this will get updated, what it's contents will be when I do update it, but rest assured it will always be a little random (I think I have adult ADD, only I have never taken the test, because I don't want to confirm officially). Please feel free to comment, add your random thoughts, good, bad or ugly. Thanks for stopping by.......hit the lights when you are done.