The Cast Part 2..............July and Vera

A friend saw my grandparents walking together and said "Awww that is so cute, I don't think I have ever seen your grandparents holding hands before" to which I immediately replied "Awwww, they're not, she's just holding his belt loop so she doesn't fall down!" Enter.....July and Vera. For as long as I have been around, my grandparents have always slept in separate bedrooms, been at each others throats, but been the quintessential loving old couple whenever it counted.

July- Always had a pocket full of quarters and a never ending supply of one liners to bring a smile to any one's face. When I was little, we would spend the night, I would always run straight upstairs and reach in his chest of drawers to play his harmonica; if I think hard enough I can still taste the metal when I would press it to my lips. Always an early riser, he would wake us up at 5 am and walk us across the street to the bakery; I used think he was magic the way he would tear bread and the pigeons would come flocking down to feed at our feet. Growing up, he would never miss a football game, a soccer tournament, choir performance you name it; just being there was never enough either, you could catch him at anytime bragging to a stranger close by that it was his granddaughter or grandson on the field. He is a decorated WWII veteran, but you would never know, because as long as I have known my grandpa, it has never been about him, but everything about his family. I am so happy that not only myself, but that Chey and Robie have been able to share him for as long as we have and when he moves from this life to the next there will be a whole in all of our hearts that no one could ever fill.

Vera- "Oh shut up Julio, you're such a Harvey!" are words that will warm my heart for life; this is how I will always remember my grandma. I know who my mom takes after, because growing up she was always ready with every hair in place when we'd come over; if she was not ready then she was getting ready, penciling her eyebrows in, until she got them tattooed of course! Not your typical gram, she didn't cook much, but can make breakfast potatoes like no other and always had cheese whiz in her pantry which you would never find in Pearl's pantry. I feel like I get my sass and snootiness from her, but always good, because as prim and proper as she was, she would surprise you sometimes. I can remember being in high school and her talking about one of my cousins and she said "Well, I think he's pussy whipped" and I almost passed out from laughing and she said "well, isn't that what they call it???" I can always count on her to catch up on who got the boot from American Idol or who's hookin up with who on Grey's Anatomy. She is one of the strongest females that I have had the pleasure of being influenced by and I love her immensely.

July and Vera- Oh sure, if you pay em' a visit on any given day and you are there long enough you might hear....
Gramp:"In other words mijo, your grandma is a mean person and I can't wait to get home and beat the shit out of her"
Gram: "Oh yesssss, I'm so sure, you're grandpa is such a dreamer!"
but let one of them be sick and they are lost without each other. If we were out to eat and the strolling mariachis play "La Mano de Dios" without fail, my grandpa's eyes would water and when it was over he would lean over and gives my grandma a kiss on the cheek. They may bicker, but at the end of day it is quite apparent that after 68 years of marriage that they are forever in love. These are my grandparents and they are the sweetest thing...........much love, J.R.

For your listening pleasure...........Quirk #127

Most people know that despite the fact that I am self proclaimed just OK driver, that I LOVE to drive and when I am a passenger I feel like I am useless and should be doing something. Did you know that 99% of the time, that before I pick you up that I have thought about what music should play, to set the mood for our trip? That's right friends............. tis' no coincedence then when I have to pick you up to go somewhere that you always catch the beginning of the song; most times if you have something exciting to share I will restart the song, never pause it, cause I feel like your story deserves a soundtrack and don't enjoy silence. Did you also know that it absolutely makes my skin crawl when people change my radio stations or pick up my iPod to look for something better to put on LOL Scary right?!?!? Don't be afraid to speak up though, I know it's my own weird anxiety I gotta work through..... I'm just sayin =)

I am so sorry it has taken this long to say it..........

Dearest J.R.,

I get it now and from the bottom of my heart I sincerely apologize it has taken this long, but I love you. I can not explain why when you have been blessed by so many amazing people who love you, why I have neglected and left you to feel so alone. We hear people say all the time that we can't truly love someone else until we love ourselves and for so many years I have felt like we were the exception; like I understand that works for most, but I can be content to get by, fake it till we make it and be ok. Shit, I truly feel like the worst friend ever, because I have spent my life making us so accessable to everyone else, but you and I feel awful.
Please know that things are about to change, I do love you, I know it only took 33 years, but better late than never right? You do pretty well J.R., you work hard, you are nice to people, I guess you can be pretty funny sometimes (ok I'm sorry for also openingly saying that I probably wouldn't be able to be friends with myself before). I think it's kind of ironic, that someone with so much can feel so out on a limb flying solo for so long, but know that I take responsibility for that and will not allow that to be the case ever again. I love you J.R., I love you for who you are, all your flaws & imperfections and we should be more open to the idea of people loving us much more than we lead on. I love you, but I'm not in love you LOL I had to say it.....come on!

Love Always,

Your Best Friend For Life....Me =)

Guilt complex.......

I used to toss and turn in my bed when I was 6-9 years contemplating which direction I would face when I would fall asleep. The reason was that I felt if I faced South (I didn't know which direction South was at the time, I have since learned) then I would be facing the direction of my Grandma Carrillo's house and it meant that I somehow loved her more that my Grandma and Grandpa Rincon's house which was North. Of course the opposite was true also that if I faced my wall then I love my mom's parents more. I honestly felt in my heart that they would some how know or sense it.

It's funny to me now, how silly it sounds, but I think that I truly had an anxiety issue from early on and it used to trouble me terribly at the time. In case you were wondering, I no longer have this anxiety; I can fall asleep comfortably almost anywhere and please know that if you are reading this, regardless of which direction I am facing.......you are loved. JR =)

Quirk #121........I don't like Enchiladas, even if my mother made them!

So I have been a little uninspired lately, but my blog is never far from my heart; so in the mean time I figured I might start giving you a little more insight into me and who I am.

I don't like enchiladas. I know they are good right? Who doesn't love cheesy goodness wrapped in a tortilla like that; heaven forbid they have meat in them yum! For those of you who do not know, my mother is an amazing cook and along with Fried chicken and potato salad this is one her most requested dishes to be made on any occasion. I know you are prolly thinkin, but JR, you are Latin? I know. I know you are thinkin, but JR, not only are you Latin, but you are chubby and Latin? I KNOW RIGHT? LOL

Ever since I was little when someone would die, I would come home from school and the blender would be going, there would be tortillas everywhere and my mom's fingers would be stained orange from rolling enchiladas. My mom used to say they were the most economical things to make in bulk to take to a grieving family or to the reception. Once I got hip to the operation, if I came home from school and saw the evidence, my heart would sink and I would ask "who died?" =(. Ever since then, good or not I have always associated the dish with death, crazy huh? I don't like enchiladas!!!

It happened....

I thought I had put this behind me and I had dealt and could move forward, but the truth of the matter is I don't know if that is ever going to be possible. I deal with it a little at some point every single day. You took away my choices and I will never know if this is truly what was to become of me.

Maybe I'm gay, because I was exposed so early (doubt it). Maybe I'm fat, cause I haven't dealt with it as well as I thought I could (the one therapy appointment I did go to years ago told me this). Maybe the nice me, the one that everyone loves is not me at all; what if it's just me over compensating for me feeling so damn unattractive and unworthy of love for all these years. On the other hand maybe this is who I am and I have made the best of a rotten circumstance, I might never truly know You had me.....damn it you had me and I bought it.

What I do know is that I can't (or haven't been able to up until this point) have a healthy loving relationship, I have tried, but it is exhausting trying to keep someones love when you don't feel worthy of it in return. I broke someones heart because they thought I didn't want to be with them, because I could not make the correlation between love and intimacy (that's pretty fucked up). I am ultra sensitive, can cry at the drop of a hat and get ugly angry at times, and I hate it.

You know for years I felt bad for you and made excuses and thought maybe it happened to you. Maybe someone took your choices, if that is the case I'm sorry and for what has transpired in the past I have forgiven you for what you have done. The rest is up to me.

You know maybe this was God's plan behind my blog all along; maybe it was to get this off my chest. Please know that this was a personal one done for just me, please don't feel bad for me if you are reading this or feel like this is my outcry for help, because it's not my intention in posting it. Just my personal experiment to see if I feel any better after. I have been blessed a thousand times over in this life and everywhere I turn I am constantly reminded of the abundance of love that surrounds me. I appreciate you sticking with me, I understand this is not my usual posting, hence the "Random acts" part, but I said I was going to stay true to me good, bad or ugly and I am. This is a part of me, I own it......

The Four J's.....A History lesson

So most of you all don't know that ever since I was a baby I have been a member of a very exclusive society. Free Mason you say? Try again, I'm 1/4 of the Four J's. I suppose it all started when I was born, you know the day the earth stood still, hee hee hee! I guess it really started when my parents decided to call me by the name J.R. as opposed to my real name Gilbert, but J.R., why not call you Junior? I'll tell you.......I dunno, in any case that nickname would stick with me for life.

26 short days later came Jessica, the boss hahahaha. Jessica has always been strong willed and hella' fun to be around. You might see her at her day job pushing paper for "the man" as the Admin assistant for the big boss man orrrrrrrrr you might also catch her tending to her side business which is far more interesting (story for another blog).

Next in line is Joseph "the adorable one". Joseph as always been so kind hearted and super silly. He was lucky enough to live in close proximity to my dear sweet grandma and was totally the apple of her eye. He's now all grown up and married with children and still a truly nice guy.

Last came Joshua "the clown" for now and always. Joshua is the wild child and has always provided plenty of comic relief to this large family of mine. While he has an ultra serious graphic artist job during the day he is also highly motivated and does some killer stuff on the side. If you check out some of his pics, it's quite apparent that nowadays this guy has lots of fun and is truly making the most of his time here on earth.

I can remember us getting annoyed when someone would interrupt our game of "Colored eggs" in grandma's front yard to take a picture of the Four J's. Then as the group of us got older it just seemed silly, like coooooome on do we really have to do this, we are 13 years old already?!?!? It wasn't until Joseph's wedding when my cousin said "hey grab Josh, I wanna take a picture of the Four J's" that I realized that as we all grow older in our busy little lives that it feels super good to be a part of something so special an unique. I no longer think it's silly, I'm no longer bothered when it takes a while to get us all in one spot to take a picture (mostly because I don't play colored eggs anymore). I love this crew deeply, they are my cousins and we will ALWAYS be the Four J's.